1. Wake up in Las Vegas on a Friday. Ten full minutes before you realize.
2. Tattoo after tattoo. Wonder if birds understand our obsession.
3. From confidence to incompetence in 2 hours flat. You shouldn't hate this.
4. Watch your little circle blossom into a beautiful, bouncing, animated red ball. Resist the urge to print wallet sizes.
5. Failed fart noises. You will never be an 8-year-old boy.
6. The word "queef" kills the laughter. Bury bad jokes beneath more bad jokes.
7. Prod the dead roommate.
8. Consider never eating anything but bagels ever again.
9. Wish you loved everything less.
10. Wish you loved everything more.
11. Continue loving everything the same.
12. Dream of a Mexico where everyone speaks Russian.